Wednesday, February 27, 2008

My Anxious Little Angel Boy

Shortly after my young 2yo son was born I had the strong feeling that my family was not complete. That an anxious little boy was waiting up in heaven to get the opportunity to have a body. This impression never left me. Each month when I was fertile I could feel the call to get pregnant and give this anxious boy spirit a body. I was not shy in telling others this. Already I had four children "enough" by the social standard and people around were starting to put pressure on me to be happy with only my four. At each of these moments I told them with complete confidence that I knew one more child was to come into my family. I stopped short of saying one more boy, for that fact seemed to be between me and the Lord.

IamCurious was born in July of 2005 and in October of 2006 I found myself unexpectedly pregnant again. Normally our family tries to get pregnant after the "baby" of the family is two, thus spacing the children out by three years. This was a surprise. We do natural family planning, and this was the first surprise we had in eight years.

I am having a hard time focusing to write this because of the anxiety symptoms I am experiencing while writing this.

I was so overjoyed. I felt that I was a helpmeet to the Lord, and that the Lord had given me a baby inspite of our best efforts, because he knew what was best for me and the baby.

Never before in any of my pregnancies have I felt like I knew the personality of my child, the way I felt I knew the personality of this darling little boy. I would giggle at his sense of humor. He was considerate enough of me to "pick" to be born in August as I dearly wanted him to be. But the anxious little thing decided it was a good compromise if he got to pick his year, for I would have planned to have him in August a year later. I felt his little spirit at all times, many times when I was alone I would close my eyes and feel his spirit. It was a strong unique spirit that was determined and funny. I would tell everyone, with joy, that I could not wait for this little spirit to be born so I could meet him. And thus happily I went about the early month and a half of pregnancy.

I made cute little turtle ornaments, inorder to announce to the extended family that did not already know, that we were expecting again. The turtle has always been a symbol of my inutero babies because when my mother was expecting me, my sisters told her I must be a turtle because I was taking so long.

Unfortunately on Christmas day things took a change for the worst. My body was thrown into a miscarriage. And that is all I can seem to write about for now.

Hoping to get some sleep.

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